Frustration Tears Ask For Your Strength
Updated: Apr 28
[see also video below]
There's something that's been very revealing and potent for me which I want to share:
The difference between sadness tears and frustration tears.
Particularly, I want to speak about the latter; Frustration tears.
These come up not because there's something to grieve, something inherently sad. But because you are actually angry.
And that anger is often coupled with fear.
Let's dissect this a little: Anger tends to point us to our needs. If those needs – which includes boundaries – are not being met, we get: angry.
That anger can be old, of course – for example from childhood, or inherited intergenerationally. And not uncommonly therefore, we also as adults deal with anger in the way that we've learnt from very early on.
Which can look like: not expressing anger, a boundary-crossing, an opposing opinion.
Or, we do not express even our needs to begin with. Which eventually results in anger.
The irritation bottles up, the part which has a need and desperately wants us to take it seriously – yet we ignore it, becomes louder and louder.
Until there's an outburst of anger. And indeed, that can be scary, damage connections. No more clarity, centeredness, but outright blame.
Not expressing needs typically also leads to a low sense of self-worth; there's no outlet, yet the energy needs to go somewhere. What's the other option? To direct it inward: Self-blame and -criticism. Which eventually makes us feel drained, crushed, collapsed. And for good reason, a part in us gives up. It doesn't feel protected, safe, not heard, not seen. Not by you – not by others.
There's a way out though:
Next time you notice that you tear up because you feel frustrated, kind of hopeless and helpless:
Welcome the tears. Certainly – always, validate your feelings.
And, here's the thing that you might have been missing until now: Can you slow the tearing up a little? Can you pause, and in that pause connect to your strength (this is not about controlling yourself, but about widening your awareness)? The strength that I know is inside you, even if you're not aware – which knows what you need, and how to advocate for it?
This strength is what your frustration tears, your sense of powerlessness, need. Because indeed:
Anger + Fear = Weakness.
The antidote: Strength*.
When you become aware of it in your body: Can you stay with it a little longer?
Practice having the conversation you know you need to have while being connected to that strength. What are you noticing in your body when you express yourself from that place? How is your breath, your tone of voice and muscles? Do you notice any expansion, tingling, calmness?
If fear comes, hold it by the hand – let it know you've got this – and stay with the felt strength. What will come out, comes with a grounded assertiveness and self-ownership (expressing how you feel, what landed well and what didn't, what you need moving forward). Rather than with blame towards the other or a certain collapse/apologetic tone from your side. It's a practice! And indeed not necessarily so easy! The body keeps the score. Celebrate every baby step, every drop of new awareness, every "corrective experience" as we call it. Slowly, your system will open up, relax, trust you, trust the process.
Be kind with yourself.
We're in the same boat.
Love to us.
Rahel PS: Any comments, reflections, insights – opposing viewpoints. Please share! Here's a little video I recorded (and dropped on instagram also) on the same:
*Please note: We don't want to force strength. It naturally emerges when we reconnect with our body and our resources. We want to meet the pace of our nervous system – not override it. And enjoy each fruit when it is ripe. 😋
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