I'm tired of Instagram - [and the parts of me it brings out]

First post, after I think 15 years! This morning I read a chapter of James Clear's "Atomic Habits" and he encourages to do what comes easily, and work really hard on it.

What has come easily to me - and more easily than to others - is writing. I used to write here on tumblr and had so much fun with it! (hm, sadly, I have once deleted all my content). I felt so alive with it and spent hours! sometimes it was annoying, when I couldn't find the right words - yet I notice how I felt much more inspired here than I've ever felt on instagram.

I used to love putting photos together with random thoughts, insights, even lengthy summaries of texts that inspired me. When instagram came, I abandoned tumblr. Yet somehow I over time did efforts to direct my instagram content to a direction that would be beneficial to coaching/therapy clients. I tried to write for what I thought would be my ideal clients. About things where people could recognise my niche (oh my I nearly vomit thinking of this), and see that I'm an expert in this or at least aspire to be, that they can trust me etc... Whereas, life has so much more to offer, and I understand now that this effort to put myself into a box has sapped my energy.

I have the sense that on instagram, so many - coaches and therapists like me especially - are constantly trying to sell something. Sell 'feeling good'. I realized that me too, I've been doing that.

Lately I read a book, "Violet Syrup" by an instagram influencer called Sophia Moren. It was somehow disturbing to read about her mental confusions and not knowing answers, roaming around. Yet it lit up a cellular remembrance in me. Of how I've been enjoying writing here and how I've been enjoying always when friends, acquaintances or authors have been writing about every day life. With its ups and downs. A remembrance that life is not as simple as it often looks on those IG feeds - and that actually, that, is ok, natural... that's the thing to be embraced.

On instagram, I notice that I've been feeling a lot of pressure to perform, to present that I'm feeling good, or have some kind of learning out of the challenging situations that life has been presenting me. To show that I've got a positive mindset and that I make progress - so people, clients and potential clients and maybe the world at large, would consider me a great guide, a great person, worthy noticing, because she's figured certain things out.

Ough!

It's that performance, trying to earn love, appreciation, admiration, through it - that I've been playing out in various areas of life. A pattern that has been sneaking through my life like a constant river flowing towards the ocean. Or so.

It is exhausting, and this is my antidote to that performance-driven me, embedded in the culture that I am. Here some pictures of my last week spent at the beach and clifftown Uluwatu with one of my girlfriends.

Music mood right now. (Ya Bismillah by Mamman Sani). 

https://video.wixstatic.com/video/6dbade_a025978937094a49811f7fac8bd367ef/480p/mp4/file.mp4

PS: And at the same time, to be honest, I do think of my small, emerging business. James Clear wrote also: You don't have to be the best or be in the upper 25% in writing. Or boxing. Or anything – in order to be "successful". You just look at what comes more easily to you than to others. Maybe 25% more easily. This is your talent (we all have a couple of these, at least). And then, you combine it with another talent of yours. And then, you'll stand out...

You know, all my life so far, I've been trying to be more consistent, more focused, have a greater direction in life. Yet, I do wonder still: What if what makes me unique is this constant search. The trying out. Within which I did have to - there's been no circumvention to it - learn to trust my path. Myself. My intuition.

Some astrological or human design interpretors have been telling me this: Your path is showing others that they can go their own path. You're meant to show others that other things are possible than the conventional.

I always thought this will somehow cease, the search. Yet no, I'm a snake (according to the Chinese astrological calendar), and a snake loves to shed her skins. I'm a 3/6 in human design, which is all about trial and error and gaining wisdom from that. It does feel calmer within me, in the midst of these storms that not so rarely cross my path.

So much for today. C u.

PPS: This tea above is my first Hunan Jinhua - "Golden Flowers" Shu Pu'er. Black mold tea. (beneficial, probiotic mold).